I'm sorry. I'm nothing, but just a burden.

Dear blog,

Monday and Tuesday were my off day. Things get pretty well. I studied, I go to school, I do my workshop activity, I did my project, and motivated to do my project and had even came up with a draft for my upcoming IM project. MRA is on the track with 35 pages worth of report. 

But things went down today. Ever since I go back to work. Im not ranting about my work, or maybe Im just not whom I used to be. Everyone , anyone can just be so disappointed with me just because I feel like giving up now. But than again, how long have I been this strong and now I really just need a rest.  I do not need anyone to be disappointed with me just because I feel like giving up. I dont owe anyone a life. 

I have tried my best today during the unannoucned travel .Yes, Im very affected that I cant do a good job whenever there is a travel. This greatly affects my mood. Sales and GC were up, I did extend crew, I did call in crew to punch in early. But, still, the shift........ Im just not that perfect manager anymore. And for a moment, I stayed inside the chiller sobbing away. 

This work, had made me skipped school many times. I had skipped for a total of three times since the start of school . No matter how tired I am, I would drag myself to school in the past. But now, as long as some unhappy thing happen at work, I chose to skip school. 

I hate this feeling. I hate this unknowingly crying. Whatever over is over, but why am I pondering over my failures? These 16 days, I do not know how to pull through. 

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ANYWAY. 

No one understands. Mon sch after overnight shift. Tues go school project. Wed work plus sch. Thur work plus sch plus PRE SOR. Fri work plus project at school. Sometimes I thought that there are some people would have understand me but I was wrong. I just want to get out of this kind of life, but none of you understand. I dont need all of you to remind me that I can the work timing I wanna and I brought all these upon myself! If none of you understand me, just keep quiet. I see no point talking to anyone about this anymore since everything is my fault.

I never thought that I would come to this stage in my life. I thought I was a strong girl all along . I hope I can control myself and hoping things get better after 15 June. Sometimes , whatever I do is forever not enough , I can never be that perfect manager. Ya , I choose this path , I will just have to bite on tightly and move on. The more people says that my life is nothing and not stress , the more agitated I feel , the more I hate my life , the more I want to move myself away from others . I need someone to talk to , someone who truly understand me. Why am I worrying over small issues ? Getting upset over past events . Getting that kind of anxiety . No one understand !

No one to talk to. I wished to know the reason why I have been crying out of no reason too. None of you understand, not even you. I dont like my life now, that's all I know. I do not know what I'm stress about either, I wish to know too. But I always cry when I'm alone, I cry after work , I cry before I need to go to work . I know that there should be nothing to be stress about at overnight shift , but I just cry. The worse thing is, I could not control. I'm no longer the strong sandy whom I used to be. I seemed to have lost myself. I lost the world. I'm lost.

Am I, exactly happy with the life I am in right now? Probably what everyone telling me is TRUE. I BROUGHT ALL THESE UPON MYSELF. But again, all I need is a little support. No matter what choices I make, stop saying it is all my fault, neither am I pushing my miserable life to anyone of you. If you guys are my true friend, just be there for me and stop pouring cold water on me. I know you guys would definitely say that I would regret one day if I resign now, but I can be very clear that if I don't resign now, I will go crazy and break down. All of you said that, "Im also studying and working, I also tired what", "If I were you, I can take it, it is how you manage the time ".... hello? I dont need all these from you guys! Try taking three modules at one go! Try to step into my life! Try working 9 - 10 hours shift per day, go school for 3 hours, go home to rush assignment! TRY IT! Ya, so what if i WEAK? I dont need to act to be strong anymore. All these years, Im really sick of this life anyway!

What am I to do? Been having bad headache whenever I need to go to school. Pop myself with panadols. Am I too stress? Anxiety. Why have I been crying whenever I'm alone? I cant control. Worse, I do not even know what's my reason for crying. The thought of working tomorrow, fears me out. I tried to show everyone that Im okay, but Im not. I hate putting up a strong front. I have been doing so for so many years. Maybe I really do not know what I want in life. I fear, fear for another failure tomorrow. Fear for all the exams, projects, tests.

What can I do, to feel better, to ease off all my stress? I need someone to talk to ...

Other than crying, what else can I do ? How much do I have to cry? How much do I have to feel the pain in my heart when I panic, anxious or stress? Why am I crying and crying for no reason?

Back to one day one meal life when school starts . Why am I not a rich girl ? I'm really tired of this life. Why do others can jus simply focus on their studies but I need to work and study? Did I make a wrong decision to stay? The urge to leave is still very strong. I just wanna shout out loud that I'm still a human who bleeds, who have emotion , who need to eat and rest... Why am i working extra harder ? But end of the day, no one appreciate it? And yes , I cried while on the way home . I hate this feeling of being alone. I wanna fight for my own dream but I do not have the ability ... I brought all these upon myself ... Will I really be able to pull through to end of the year? I'm really , tired. As if others would understand how I feel ? Others would only expect me to understand how they feel .... I don't really care how other see in me anymore... I have been giving in too much ... It's time to , speak out .